Monday, March 29, 2010

Impressions Sugary Sublime

Here are some recent images from around the sugar company in Lugazi.


A woman walking at dusk along a sugar company road


Fighting peacocks - the birds are brought from India and roam the plantation property


Flowering gardens are common along the central grounds


Factory at sunset

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Negatives as Positives

I was sitting in the shop one evening a few weeks ago when the normally quiet and unruffled Ester suddenly widened her eyes and told me she just remembered she needed to tell me something.


“Last night little Sylvia told me that the father used to inject them in the village.”


“What?” I said my eyes widening as big as hers.


She repeated herself. Then my head began spinning.


Into my mind flooded all the stupid things the father had done out of ignorance and poverty and possible madness. And into my mind also wandered the public service announcement I saw with Ester some months back on TV: a doctor cautioning a family against using the same needle when administering medication to different family members.


“Can you imagine one family using the same needle?” Ester had said laughing.


Yeah, now I could.


“I am guessing that the father reused the needles?” I asked Ester.


“Yeah, I asked the kids and they said he kept the same ones in the house.” I looked at her in disbelief.


“Did he use them on himself too?”


“That is what Sylvia said.”


I dropped my head into my hands. The father was HIV positive.


We had the two youngest tested for HIV the first day we took them in several months ago suspicious that they might be infected as the mother had recently passed from the disease and the little ones were so sick. Richard had also been tested in the summer prior to his surgery; all were negative.


“Okay. Tonight ask the kids the last time the father injected them. Be sure to ask them if he did it when they visited during Christmas. We need to rule out the possibility of him doing it since we took them last June.”


Ester nodded. She understood the importance of the time frame: HIV will sometimes not show up on tests until six months after becoming infected. Ester questioned the kids and to our relief they said the dad hadn’t injected them recently. Now it was time to test them.


So a couple of Saturdays ago as the three youngest, Rachel, Sylvia and Beatrice, played on the patio outside the Snack Shop in late morning sun, excited as usual to be at a shop they knew was established for them, their photos decorating the walls for all in town to see, Mama Ester finished a few tasks at the business before they departed for the hospital; the kids not knowing where they were going and what was about to happen.


“I’ll meet you here when you get back,” I said to her, anxious to get the results.


A couple hours later they returned, Ester climbing the shop’s steps with an even face, the girls in tow, the two youngest looking as if they recently shed tears.


“They are okay?” I asked uneasily. She nodded smiling.


“Good,” I sighed handing the little ones some pancakes for their troubles.


Meanwhile, Richard was having small procedure at the end of the week; the doctor was to remove a piece of bone for biopsy.


“Ask them for another HIV test while they are doing the procedure,” I told Ester.


A week later Richard and Ester returned from the hospital. Ester said the procedure went well, but the boy was in pain. I frowned; ineffective pain meds were all African hospitals could offer.


“Did they get the HIV results?” I asked her.


“Yes. He is negative.”


“Good,” I said deflating with relief.


Now it was time for Aggie’s test. I was concerned about my oldest since we recently had to chase off some boyfriends and previous to us taking her in, she had been chased off by her father to be married to an older man. It was becoming too difficult to coordinate taking her to the hospital without removing her from school, which she attended until the evenings Monday through Friday and half the day Saturday.


“We need to get Aggie tested now. We can’t keep putting this off. Let’s just take her to the lab here in town,” I finally said to Ester a few evenings ago. Soon thereafter Aggie showed up to the Snack Shop on her way home from school, darkness spreading against the sky.


“Aggie. Before you go home, you come with me,” I said to her. She followed me to the lab, sat down, and yelled and squirmed as the technician stuck the needle into the crook of her arm. I tried asking her about the recent running competitions at school to distract her. She had proudly announced to me when she saw me at the shop that she was selected to run on behalf of the school in a meet taking place in Mbale – a district about a four hour’s drive away.


“You got to go because you were the fastest?” I had asked excitedly. She smiled bashfully and nodded.


“Very good, Aggie!” I was very proud of her, never mind the fact that she was a sixteen year-old running against eleven year-olds.


But as the needle hung from her arm for several long moments she couldn’t remember why she was so excited about running for her school and getting to ride on a bus for probably the second time in her life, the first just a few months ago when she went to Entebbe as part of a class trip to see the zoo and airport, and I tried to forget for those long moments as the needle pulled her blood, watching red flood into the tube, why we were there in that eight by eight foot lab with the stinking latrines in the courtyard just outside, and I tried to forget for the thirty minutes thereafter, waiting dully for the test results, just as I had tried to forget all those previous weeks, this belittling my assurance, reproaching my peace of mind, and I didn’t realize how anxious I was until the little woman in the lab handed me the results and I looked down at the handwritten notes and ran outside, bounding across the center of town for some 50 yards, splashing through the soggy red soil, running up the crumbling shop steps, shoving the paper in Ester’s face, her brow furrowing as she read it aloud, “Agnes. Female. 16 years. Bloo-“


“No! Read the bottom!”


“HIV Negative!” She says her face spread in a huge smile.


“Yes! HIV Negative! They are all negative!” I practically yelled.


“Yes! That is so good! So good.”


Kids playing at Shop before HIV tests - and yes, B2 is wearing a Black to the Future T-shirt! ;)

Saturday, March 13, 2010

School Daze

It has been scorching hot here these last two days, coinciding with this week's "fielding" activities at the local school whereby the schoolchildren forgo their regular classroom learning and participate in track and field events. Some of you have been curious as to what the classes and schools look like, so below are some pictures. You can see more of them at my flickr page.

Jumping rope during break time


School yard and latrines


There are signs painted and erected all over the schools here reminding the children how to behave. Some are actually quite amusing, others are sobering reminders of the unique challenges the children here face.


Kids hanging out in classroom doorway - there are usually several classrooms in one concrete block.


Kids don't have their own chairs and desks - they are usually crammed together on benches.


Race time!

Monday, March 8, 2010

All Things Both Great and Small (A Rime of Lessons Learned)

Anytime you do something for the first time there are bound to be mistakes made substantial and insignificant that make the first few steps of your new venture wobbly. You sort of stumble along initially with no small amount of adrenaline and energy surging you through your fresh undertaking with the anticipation that in a few months time your endeavor won’t take so much focus, that the bumps will smooth over with the knowledge you acquired through first-hand experience. New jobs, parenthood, traveling abroad, living in a new city, new co-workers, new circles of friends – they all take some getting used to and inevitably you will learn from them and unavoidably at times you will learn the hard way. Okay, now imagine all the things listed above sort of happening at once in a place so different you can’t believe you are still on the same planet.

Well, as my year in Uganda winds to a close in just a few short weeks, I am already starting to look back, kind of looking ahead preparing to look back, mentally accustoming myself to the huge shift that is about to take place, going from a place where I am constantly dirty and constantly different, am the focus of constant attention and the target of constant questions, I will become reacquainted with what was formerly familiar: cleanliness and anonymity, and a host of other things precious, most importantly family, friends, Western food, high speed internet, oh and of course wine.

Below are some of the lessons I’ve learned both great and small. For those of you thinking of moving abroad, especially to establish or manage a sustainable project, hopefully this post will make you all the wiser.

It is an ancient Mariner,
And he stoppeth one of three.
`By thy long grey beard and glittering eye,
Now wherefore stopp'st thou me?


1) Managing Tropical Diseases
If you start to feel under the weather, strange headache, stiff joints, unusually tired, diarrhea, go get a malaria test, but go to a good hospital preferably in Kampala rather than a local clinic or lab because the latter will almost always say you have malaria even if you don’t. For example, maybe the local lab will say, yes, you have malaria then treat you for it, but after you complete the treatment you still feel bad so then you go to the better hospital in the nation’s capital and they tell you, no, you don’t have malaria, you have another parasite, a thread worm, but you have to be careful because you can have something else and malaria, in fact many times you will have both since the two will work hand-in-hand weakening your immune system, and, of course, you can get malaria despite being on prophylactics. I've lost count, but I believe I’ve had positive malaria results somewhere around eight times now, two times I was so sick I ended up in the hospital and during my second hospitalization I had the pleasure of also having of H. pylori, an ulcer-causing bacteria, in addition to the severe malaria flare-up, so, really it’s actually advisable to also get full blood work and a stool sample along with the malaria test whenever you are starting to feel bad just to be sure.

"And now the storm-blast came, and he
Was tyrannous and strong:
He struck with his o'ertaking wings,
And chased us south along.


2) Managing Your Pocketbook
Get to know the costs of goods and services. Do all the purchases for your projects for some time yourself so that people you later leave in charge will have a more difficult time ripping you off. Ask people you know before you buy anything or take a boda or taxi anywhere how much they think the item or fare should cost because generally speaking when Ugandans see a muzungu they assume money magically grows from your hand and will attempt to overcharge you, sometimes in ways nothing short of ridiculous. At first this habit of fleecing might not annoy you so much and maybe you will take the stance that yes, I do have a lot more money than them relatively speaking, so it is somewhat fair, but then after you’ve been living with Ugandans for some time, sleeping under their roof, taking their food, laughing with them, commiserating with them, celebrating with them, mourning with them, forgetting oftentimes you are in fact a muzungu (maybe you’ll even catch a reflection of a fair arm in the rear view mirror of a car and think, what is a muzungu doing in here ? and then realize the reflection is of you) and so you feel like you are also a Ugandan in so many ways including that you like them do not have a job and have very little money and so the constant attempts to cheat you become offensive and tiresome and instead of thinking that such unofficial racially-based pricing policies are okay, you begin to think, but does Starbucks charge Bill Gates $10,000 for a latte just because he can afford it?

At length did cross an Albatross,
Thorough the fog it came;
As it had been a Christian soul,
We hailed it in God's name.

3) Managing Men
When strange men, including boda drivers, taxi drivers, or any of the scores of men just standing around or taking drink at the small bars in town want to talk to you, ignore them or politely, but quickly respond to their greetings while continuing to move. The first weeks I was here I would try and talk to everyone, but I quickly realized that 1) I would never get anywhere if I talked to everyone that wanted to speak with me because it is just too time-consuming, and 2) generally the strange men can be categorized as respectful, but not as good conversationalist and they will employ rather unoriginal tactics to accomplish their two objectives: sleeping with you and parting you with your money, and while they have been entirely unsuccessful with me in both attempts, their aims become exceedingly clear and boring after a short while.

And a good south wind sprung up behind;
The Albatross did follow,
And every day, for food or play,
Came to the mariner's hollo!


4) Managing Sustainable Projects
I had heard it was difficult, extremely so, to establish successful sustainable project in Africa – I had many, many tell this before, but they wouldn’t really say why. Well, here is the why.

When setting up sustainable projects, and I would imagine through the entire course of administering them, operate with extreme skepticism of all people involved regardless of how sincere they are, how much they may sweet talk you, particularly if those assisting you with the project administration and management are not direct beneficiaries; in fact, assume these people are always looking to take something on the side for themselves in addition to whatever you agree with them openly. And never, under any circumstances have one person or a group of people who know each other be responsible for everything, including finances, reporting, oversight, management, etc. There must, must, MUST be layers of accountability and no one point of contact. To be sincere, charities here regardless of the size and level of funding are viewed as gold mines. Working for a charity in Africa is like working for a blue chip company in the West – they are well-paying, highly-coveted jobs. Why? Well, because charitable organizations, unlike everything else here in Africa, receive a continuous stream of revenue by wealthy outsiders who have a vested interest in seeing that their projects continue. In other words, Africans know that in most cases the money will keep coming generally no matter what happens. It is exactly the opposite of charities in the West where the low-paying work is done out of compassion, so BE CAREFUL!

I just had the pleasure of meeting an American woman who set up a charity that operates as a support group for AIDS/HIV orphans. A wonderful woman with a big heart decided to try and offer support to children affected by HIV some nine years ago, but for some reason or another, and candidly I think rather foolishly, hadn’t come to visit her programs in person in as long. And over the course of the last nearly decade she has had one person responsible for running her organization, one person responsible for receiving the money and in-kind donations for the kids, one person reporting to her results and finances, etc. and as she sat describing to me the things she has seen during her less than two-week trip, including some weird situation with an interpreter that her one contact insist they use and finding half the boxes of clothes she had shipped to him for the kids still sitting in his home, I just shook my head and told her that this guy she has left in charge of everything is just stealing from her and she needs to slowly take all control away from him, completely reorganize, take inventory, consult an attorney and not send this one guy working for her anything in the meantime, but that she also shouldn’t confront him or act like she is suspicious of him as he will probably bolt and take all of her organization’s possession, including a car, microscope, computer, etc. with him. I didn’t tell her that the little work she did see while here, the orphans’ meeting she attended, one of the meetings that has supposedly been taking place regularly these last nine years could very well have been a shame, the kids not really beneficiaries of her program and this guy could have just told the villagers to bring some kids together for the visiting muzungus to look at and they wouldn’t know any different because of the language barrier. And at the end of my conversation with her I thought, God, I’ve made some mistakes, but at least I figured it out in a month and not nine years!

`God save thee, ancient Mariner,
From the fiends that plague thee thus! -
Why look'st thou so?' -"With my crossbow
I shot the Albatross."

5) Managing School
When it comes to school for kids under your care there are some things you should keep in mind. First, buy them sturdy black sneakers that Velcro and not the standard patten-leather school shoes because all the wear and tear coupled with the Ugandan red dirt and mud means the non-sneakers fall apart very easily, buckles crumpling apart, soles ripping to shreds, toes poking through holes, and require the constant annoyance of repair and polishing. Second, go talk to the kids’ teachers so that they might give more attention to your children. Your children are just a few in classrooms of scores, at times a hundred kids; one of many little bodies squeezed into hot, airless rooms crowded together on wooden benches, hand-made posters with lessons hung from the concrete walls, all the children looking the same in their school uniforms scribbling in small, flimsy exercise books with broken pencils with just one teacher trying to dictate lessons; if you want your child to have a bit more of an edge in learning, go talk to that teacher.

"The sun now rose upon the right:
Out of the sea came he,
Still hid in mist, and on the left
Went down into the sea.

6) Managing Wishes
If you are looking after children who were once destitute and often without basic living requirements, they will find happiness in and be thankful for the smallest things you give them, and although they are never demanding or act entitled, in fact, hardly ever even ask you for anything, they do, nonetheless, enjoy their new lives and its new benefits so much so that maybe at times your four-year old, having spent the afternoon with you in your snack shop, keeps telling you she is hungry despite just being fed an entire plate of food complete with meat, matoke, nakati, rice and beans for lunch, despite also just being given a pancake (a fried sweet made of cassava flour and ripe bananas), despite also just being given a cowpea samosa (a fried pocket filled with cowpeas, which are like big lentils), know that your child is just trying to eat as possible because her previous life didn’t include so much food and delicious food prepared and bought in town at that, her previous diet probably consisting of just boiled cassava and roasted maize from her family’s garden, and as much as you love her you turn to her and smile and tell her, No, Rachel. Your Mommy knows you are not hungry, do you want water instead? And oftentimes she will say, Yes, is water, because she still doesn’t quite grasp English well enough to properly ask for things and because, well, she just likes you giving her something, mostly, attention. Which bring me to one of the most important things I’ve learned here so far….

7) In a Word
There are so many, many children here – products of consistently one of the highest fertility rates in the world, about seven children per woman – it is impossible to step outside here in Uganda and not see so many children and all of them responding in very noticeable ways to your very noticeable muzungu presence. And all those children giggling and screaming and greeting you are at times without shoes and aren’t in school and don’t get all the food and medicine they need and drink dirty water from wells and springs and play in fields of filth with toys of trash – balled up plastic bags and old bicycle tires, smashed water bottles and bent bottle caps. And these dirty, shoeless, undernourished and poorly educated children, believe it or not, despite lives of poverty as we would describe it, are incredibly, inspiringly joyful. In fact, Ugandan children are in my humble opinion generally happier than American kids who are blessed with proper nutrition and regular schooling and modern medicine and modern homes and mattresses and toys and TVs and Segas - children who have everything in some senses, but little to none in others.

Water, water, every where,
And all the boards did shrink;
Water, water, every where,
Nor any drop to drink.

Of course extreme circumstances like drought and war and natural disasters and the like withstanding, African children are refreshingly content and beautifully resilient despite their relative lives of need and want and I can only conclude that their happiness is an outcome of their culture of inclusion: African children are a part of expansive African families and clans and tribes giving them a sense of belonging, a sprawling context and substantial support to their lives. And in seeing so many glad, but “poor” children, I have learned what a child really needs to live successfully, more than food, water, clothes, shelter, medicine, or educations. A child really, truly, deeply needs more than any one other thing essentially is love.


He prayeth best, who loveth best
All things both great and small;
For the dear God who loveth us,
He made and loveth all."

The Mariner, whose eye is bright,
Whose beard with age is hoar,
Is gone; and now the Wedding-Guest
Turned from the bridegroom's door.

He went like one that hath been stunned,
And is of sense forlorn:
A sadder and a wiser man
He rose the morrow morn.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Time After Time

They say you can’t travel thorough time, but I can and do all of the time, actually oftentimes moving forwards and backwards at once, my head spinning with thoughts on what has happened and what is about to occur. I engaged in this type of time warp in my old space, during my time in the fast-paced West where unlike here most people think of all times except the present, spending most of their time lagging in the past and accelerating into the future. And as I am just about to reenter that old space that mixes the former and the following, as I verge on breaking the time-space continuum, I find that I am no longer thinking of only the present here and now, which I have been doing for some time, for these many months; I am preparing as it were to leave this space and return to the future, and I find myself more and more of the time thinking of exactly that, moving back and forth.

Nearly a year has passed since I came to Uganda and nearly 10 months since I first met my beloved five children. It is impossible to really ascertain much less describe how much I have changed during that time, as well as how much the children have developed. I think back to the places we occupied before, me in a comfortable Western life complete with luxury cars and fancy flat screens and high speed internet and paved roads and quality medicine and quality food and quality everything and they in impoverished Third World existences of mud houses and unclean water and field labor and uneducated minds and poor nutrition and poor medical treatment and poor everything , and how our lives crashed into wild convergence this last year and how our lives will swiftly diverge breaking apart again in just a few short weeks, in a time too soon happening.

Thinking back to the children they were when we found them, sometimes I want to laugh. Rachel the first few months we had her took to opening and shutting doors in the Balaza’s home over and again, me realizing later that she engaged in this rather annoying habit because the kids’ home and those they visited in the village didn’t have doors, opening and closing a door was in fact for her an endlessly fascinating form of entertainment. And fast-forwarding to now, likewise the three youngest girls to this day insist on bathing at their jaaja’s (grandparents) because the house has a shower head, which still doesn’t yield hot water, but a shower head nonetheless, which the children stand under squealing and splashing, revealing in the novelty of (sort-of) modern plumbing.

Thinking back to the children they were, sometimes I want to cry. Despite knowing that their lives have altered drastically, the images of those five desperate faces in the village that me, Ester, Aunt Vinnie and Sumete first found last June still haunt my mind, the past lingering into the present pressing ominously against the future. I see those faces again in my memory, in recalling what was, and am reminded of them, and what still is, at times when I turn on the TV, floating before my eyes again in the aftermath of earthquakes and famines, floods and wars, tiny faces that are at once tense and apathetic, shocked and hopeless, ruined from the past, tortured in the present, uncertain of the future; I knew those faces before, didn’t understand them until now, and will commiserate them forever going forward: those are the young faces of trauma.

And in thinking ahead, imagining the lives we will lead, me and my children, sometimes I am excited; for me to be back in the comforts of modern society and the like-minded, to be clean and understood, to be healthy and heard, to eat well and to be anonymous, for that I am anxious; and for them to continue their lives with the comforts that Africa can at the very least offer: regular food, clean water, educations, something that passes for health care and, most importantly, love.

And in thinking ahead, imaging the lives we will lead, me and my children, sometimes I am scared. Will I be able to catch the things that fade and fall through time and space? Will the children be forced back into their dark pasts if not for bright futures? What will remain when dreams and expectations, intentions and understandings are entangled in the circles of backwards and forwards in the gaps of here and there? I think back, I think ahead, my mind racing out of the past and into the future, who I was, who I will be, who they have been, who they will become; I consider, I dream, I hope, I wonder…time after time…

After my pictures fades

And darkness has turned to grey

Watching through windows

You’re wondering if I’m okay

Secrets stolen from deep inside

The drum beats out of time

If you’re lost

You can look

And you will find me

Time after time

If you fall

I will catch you

I’ll be waiting

Time after time

Time after time

Time after time